The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, October 13, 1894, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, October 13, 1894 Author: Various Editor: Francis Bernand Release Date: July 22, 2014 [EBook #46360] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCTOBER 13, 1894 *** Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Wayne Hammond and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
Druriolanus has scored another success. And why not? Surely he deserves it, for, with the assistance of his two collaborators, Cecil Raleigh and Henry Hamilton, Sir Augustus Harris has trained a Derby winner that will carry all before him over the Drury Lane course until the place is required for the pantomime. And the training has been most judicious. The problem the three stable companions (for the piece is nothing if not horsey) set themselves was to produce a drama that would fill the Grand National Theatre both before and behind the curtain. This problem they have solved to the satisfaction of all parties.
"Three to One on."
The method adopted is simple enough. Take, for instance, the First Act. One of the authors no doubt suggested the interior of a country house. "Quite so," says Druriolanus, "a nobleman's country house. I will show you how to do it." And he does. "O Todgers's can do it when it likes!" Gorgeous hall with a billiard table thrown in at the back to give an idea of the luxury and magnitude. And then the company! Earls and Countesses and Lords and Ladies and a Duchess! Why, even the villain is a major in a crack cavalry regiment, and the low comedian a surgeon who has worn the Queen's uniform. Apparently to give the latter additional aristocratic gloss, the Duchess is made to be in love with him. And the plot? Why, of course. Let Miss Alma Stanley arrive direct from India to sow discord between my Lord the hero and my Lady the heroine. This she does, looking charming in her villainy, and wearing a striking costume. My Lord tells her "to begone" (a most unreasonable request, by the way, as she has arrived at the Hall in the middle of the night, with evidently any number of boxes), but she won't. Miss Alma Stanley prefers to faint in my Lord's arms, to the great indignation of my Lady. Tableau and curtain.
Next, please. The Downs, and a trial of the 'osses. Then we have a meet of horses, saddle and otherwise. The "otherwise" are harnessed to a pony-chaise that looks as if it had come from the Lowther Arcade. Miss Alma Stanley rides in on a steed of her own. My Lord, the hero, objects to the gracious presence of this fair equestrian, and gets a horse-whipping for his trouble. Then the trial comes off. The noble animals canter across the stage. The dramatis personæ describe their progress to one another as they make the running behind the scenes. All first-rate and life-like. Haven't we seen it ourselves in the early morn? Then they reappear (amidst immense enthusiasm) as cardboard profile in the distance, to make a final entry in the horseflesh from the O. P. wings. Capitally done, and a great success. Stalls, Circle, Pit, Boxes, and Gallery, all delighted. So are they with the military ball at York. Nearly everybody in uniform. Hussars, Gunners, Highlanders, Fusileers, and Yeomen. My Lord the hero appears as Colonel of his county Yeomanry. Quite right, he has left the service, and taken to the reserve. Then there is the cotillion, and my Lord finds himself, to his surprise, dancing with Miss Alma Stanley. He is again caught by my Lady, the heroine (the poor chap is always compromising himself at the wrong moment), and there is of course only one solution to this embarrassing situation, and that is,—curtain. No better ball scene been on the stage for years. Druriolanus has all the details at his fingertips, and the ball at his feet. Keep it rolling!
In the next Act we find that the Countess, in full ball costume, has eloped with the Villainous Major to a hotel. My Lady has allowed her companion to describe themselves as Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So in the porter's book. But thus far and no farther. When the Major politely begs the loan of her heart, the Countess bids him go, and treats him really with absolute rudeness. The Major, after a terrible struggle with my Lady, in which he gets the worst of it, is completely crushed, and probably inwardly laments the very considerable expense to which he must have been put by the elopement. At this crisis enter my Lord the hero. Row and tableau. After this, the audience feels that the correct prescription is to cut the dialogue and come to the "'osses." And to a great extent this prescription is adopted. There is a first-class scene of a sale at Tattersall's, and a very realistic view of the finish at the Derby. The throng cheer behind the curtain, and so does the throng in front of it. The task is complete: both sides of the green baize are crowded with excited people.
It is exceptionally good. Scenery, music, general stage management, and incidental music all excellent. Mrs. John Wood first-rate, as good as ever, and Miss Alma Stanley greatly distinguishes herself. So does Mr. Cartwright as the most matter-of-fact villain that "in this distressful country has ever yet been seen." When he murders, or ruins, or seriously inconveniences anyone, he observes sotto voce to himself, in a tone that would be equally appropriate were he thanking an omnibus conductor for giving him change for sixpence, "I thought I should do it." Then Mr. Arthur Bourchier and Miss Beatrice Lamb as My Lord and My Lady could not be better. And Miss Pattie Browne, Miss L. Moodie, and Miss Hettie Dene, all the right people in the right places, as are both Mr. George Giddens and Mr. Lionel Rignold. To sum up, The Derby Winner has won, and Sir Druriolanus has more than satisfied his enthusiastic backers the public, and he and they will have a real good run for their money.
"Sold!"
["Sarah Grand has contributed an article on 'Should irascible Old Gentlemen be taught to Knit?' to the forthcoming issue of 'Phil May's Winter Annual.'"—Evening paper, October 2.]
This will shortly be followed by a series of papers on the following subjects:—"Shall hysterical Old Ladies be encouraged to smoke?"
"Should elderly, short-tempered Dowagers be permitted to use bad language?"
"Shall Octogenarian Barmaids be obliged to flirt?"
"May decayed Duchesses play pitch-and-toss?"
"Shall Professional Beauties of a certain age be compulsorily retired?"
"Are Burlesque Actresses of over forty years' standing to attend Sunday-school?"
"May Ballet-girls teach their grand-children to knit?"
"Should cross-eyed Viscountesses catch flies?"
"Ought Old Girls generally to make use of slang?"
"Should Prima donnas in their dotage wear blue pinafores?"
"Can the 'Shirt-front Brigade' be taught 'good form'?"
"May Lady Novelists dispense with the historic present?"
"Should much-married Adventuresses read The Family Herald?
"May timid Gentlewomen join the Pioneer Club?"
And "Is not the New Woman played out?" 170
A BACKWARD CROP.
Young Mr. Green (who wants a Hunter for the coming Season). "Ya—as; but he's got such a Seedy Tail!"
Dealer. "Seedy? Ah, that's it! Just germinatin', it is. Want o' Sunshine, yer see. Lor' bless y', things is mostly bin a bit backard this Season!"
(Song for Miss Unified London.)
Air—"I'm Getting a Big Girl Now!"
"I'M GETTING A BIG GIRL NOW!"
Miss Unified London putting away all her pretty Toys and Playthings.
A Really "Independent of Labour Party."—Mr. Keir Hardie, M.P. 172
(A Story in Scenes.)
PART XV.—TRAPPED!
Scene XXIV.—A Gallery outside the Verney Chamber.
Time—About 10.15.
Undershell (to himself, as he emerges from a back staircase). I suppose this is the corridor? The Boy said the name of the room was painted up over the door.... Ah, there it is; and, yes, Mr. Spurrell's name on a card.... The door is ajar; he is probably waiting for me inside. I shall meet him quite temperately, treat it simply as a——(He enters; a waste-paper basket, containing an ingenious arrangement of liquid and solid substances, descends on his head.) What the devil do you mean, Sir, by this outrageous——? All dark! Nobody here! Is there a general conspiracy to insult me? Have I been lured up here for a brutal——(Spurrell bursts in.) Ah, there you are, Sir! (With cold dignity, through the lattice-work of the basket.) Will you kindly explain what this means?
Spurrell. Wait till I strike a light. (After lighting a pair of candles.) Well, Sir, if you don't know why you're ramping about like that under a waste-paper basket, I can hardly be expected to——
Und. I was determined not to remove it until somebody came in; it fell on my head the moment I entered; it contained something in a soap-dish, which has wetted my face. You may laugh, Sir, but if this is a sample of your aristocratic——
Spurr. If you could only see yourself! But I'd nothing to do with it, 'pon my word I hadn't; only just this minute got away from the hall.... I know! It's that sulky young beggar, Bearpark. I remember he slipped off on some excuse or other just now. He must have come in here and fixed that affair up for me—confound him!
Und. I think I'm the person most entitled to——But no matter; it is merely one insult more among so many. I came here, Sir, for a purpose, as you are aware.
Spurr. (ruefully). Your dress clothes? All right, you shall have them directly. I wouldn't have put 'em on if I'd known they'd be wanted so soon.
Und. I should have thought your own would have been more comfortable.
Spurr. More comfortable! I believe you. Why, I assure you I feel like a Bath bun in a baby's sock! But how was I to know? You shouldn't leave your things about like that!
Und. It is usual, Sir, for people to come to a place like this provided with evening clothes of their own.
Spurr. I know that as well as you do. Don't you suppose I'm unacquainted with the usages of society! Why, I've stayed in boarding-houses at the seaside many a time where it was de rigger to dress—even for high tea! But coming down, as I did, on business, it never entered my head that I should want my dress suit. So when I found them all as chummy and friendly as possible, and expecting me to dine as a matter of course,—why, I can tell you I was too jolly glad to get hold of anything in the shape of a swallowtail and white choker to be over particular!
Und. You seem to have been more fortunate in your reception than I. But then I had not the advantage of being here in a business capacity.
Spurr. Well, it wasn't that altogether. You see, I'm a kind of a celebrity in my way.
Und. I should hardly have thought that would be a recommendation here.
Spurr. I was surprised myself to find what a lot they thought of it; but, bless you, they're all as civil as shopwalkers; and, as for the ladies, why, the old Countess and Lady Maisie and Lady Rhoda couldn't be more complimentary if I'd won the Victoria Cross, instead of getting a first prize for breeding and exhibiting a bull bitch at Cruft's Dog Show!
Und. (bitterly, to himself). And this is our aristocracy! They make a bosom friend of a breeder of dogs; and find a poet only fit to associate with their servants! What a theme for a satirist! (Aloud.) I see nothing to wonder at. You possess precisely the social qualifications most likely to appeal to the leisured class.
Spurr. Oh, there's a lot of humbug in it, mind you! Most of 'em know about as much of the points of a bull as the points of a compass, only they let on to know a lot because they think it's smart. And some of 'em are after a pup from old Drummy's next litter. I see through all that, you know!
Und. You are a cynic, I observe, Sir. But possibly the nature of the business which brings you here renders them——
Spurr. That's the rummest thing about it. I haven't heard a word about that yet. I'm in the veterinary profession, you know. Well, they sent for me to see some blooming horse, and never even ask me to go near it! Seems odd, don't it?
Und. (to himself). I had to go near the blooming horse! Now I begin to understand; the very servants did not expect to find a professional vet in any company but their own! (Aloud.) I—I trust that the horse will not suffer through any delay.
Spurr. So do I; but how do I know that some ignorant duffer mayn't be treating him for the wrong thing? It may be all up with the animal before I get a chance of seeing what I can do!
Und. (to himself). If he knew how near I went to getting the poor beast shot! But I needn't mention that now.
Spurr. I don't say it isn't gratifying to be treated like a swell, but I've got my professional reputation to consider, you know; and if they're going to take up all my time talking about Andromeda——
Und. (with a start). Andromeda! They have been talking about Andromeda? To you! Then it's you who——
Spurr. Haven't I been telling you? I should just jolly well think they have been talking about her! So you didn't know my bull's name was Andromeda before, eh? But you seem to have heard of her, too!
Und. (slowly). I—I have heard of Andromeda—yes.
[He drops into a chair, dazed.
Spurr. (complacently). It's curious how that bitch's fame seems to have spread. Why, even the old Bishop——But, I say, you're looking rather queer; anything the matter with you, old fellow?
Und. (faintly). Nothing—nothing. I—I feel a little giddy, that's all. I shall be better presently.
[He conceals his face.
Spurr. (in concern). It was having that basket down on your head like that. Too bad! Here, I'll get you some water. (He bustles about.) I don't know if you're aware of it, old chap, but you're in a regular dooce of a mess!
Und. (motioning him away irritably). Do you suppose I don't know that? For heaven's sake, don't speak to me! let me alone!... I want to think—I want to think. (To himself.) I see it all now! I've made a hideous mistake! I thought these Culverins were deliberately——And all the time——Oh, what an unspeakable idiot I've been!... And I can't even explain!... The only thing to do is to escape before this fellow suspects the truth. It's lucky I ordered that carriage! (Aloud, rising.) I'm all right now; and—and I can't stay here any longer. I am leaving directly—directly! 173
Spurr. You must give me time to get out of this toggery, old chap; you'll have to pick me out of it like a lobster!
Und. (wildly). The clothes? Never mind them now. I can't wait. Keep them!
Spurr. Do you really mean it, old fellow? If you could spare 'em a bit longer, I'd be no end obliged. Because, you see, I promised Lady Rhoda to come and finish a talk we were having, and they've taken away my own things to brush, so I haven't a rag to go down in except these, and they'd all think it so rude if I went to bed now!
Und. (impatiently). I tell you you may keep them, if you'll only go away!
Spurr. But where am I to send the things to when I've done with 'em?
Und. What do I——Stay, here's my card. Send them to that address. Now go and finish your evening!
Spurr. (gratefully). You are a rattling good chap, and no mistake! Though I'm hanged if I can quite make out what you're doing here, you know!
Und. It's not at all necessary that you should know. I am leaving immediately, and—and I don't wish Sir Rupert or Lady Culverin to hear of this—you understand?
Spurr. Well, it's no business of mine; you've behaved devilish well to me, and I'm not surprised that you'd rather not be seen in the state you're in. I shouldn't like it myself!
Und. State? What state?
Spurr. Ah, I wondered whether you knew. You'll see what I mean when you've had a look at yourself in the glass. I daresay it'll come off right enough. I can't stop. Ta, ta, old fellow, and thanks awfully!
[He goes out.
Und. (alone). What does he mean? But I've no time to waste. Where have they put my portmanteau? I can't give up everything. (He hunts round the room, and eventually discovers a door leading into a small dressing-room.) Ah, it's in there. I'll get it out, and put my things in. (As he rushes back, he suddenly comes face to face with his own reflection in a cheval glass.) Wh—who's that? Can this—this piebald horror possibly be—me? How——? Ah, it was ink in that infernal basket—not water! And my hair's full of flour! I can't go into a hotel like this, they'd think I was an escaped lunatic! (He flies to a wash-hand stand, and scrubs and sluices desperately, after which he inspects the result in the mirror.) It's not nearly off yet! Will anything get rid of this streakiness? (He soaps and scrubs once more.) And the flour's caked in my hair now! I must brush it all out before I am fit to be seen. (He gradually, after infinite toil, succeeds in making himself slightly more presentable.) Is the carriage waiting for me all this time? (He pitches things into his portmanteau in a frantic flurry.) What's that? Some one's coming!
[He listens.
Tredwell (outside). It's my conviction you've been telling me a pack o' lies, you young rascal. For what hearthly business that feller Undershell could 'ave in the Verney—— However, I'll soon see how it is. (He knocks.) Is anyone in 'ere?
Und. (to himself, distractedly). He mustn't find me here! Yet, where—— Ah, it's the only place!
[He blows out the candles, and darts into the dressing-room as Tredwell enters.
Tred. The boy's right. He is in here; them candles is smouldering still. (He relights one, and looks under the bed.) You'd better come out o' that, Undershell, and give an account of yourself—do you 'ear me?... He ain't under there! (He tries the dressing-room door; Undershell holds his breath, and clings desperately to the handle.) Very well, Sir, I know you're there, and I've no time to trouble with you at present, so you may as well stay where you are till you're wanted. I've 'eard o' your goings-on from Mr. Adams, and I shall 'ave to fetch Sir Rupert up to 'ave a talk with you by-and-by.
[He turns the key upon him, and goes.
Und. (to himself, overwhelmed, as the Butler's step is heard retreating). And I came down here to assert the dignity of Literature!
"He suddenly comes face to face with his own reflection."
Accompanying Trilby.
Our George du Maurier is in analogous case to that of a dramatic character of whom he may possibly have heard. M. Jourdain one day happed upon the discovery that he had been talking prose all his life without knowing it. Mr. du Maurier has lived through half a century master of an exquisite style, and only now makes the discovery known to the world. Plain indications of the fact were given in Peter Ibbetson. But in respect of style and in other matters, Trilby, just published by Osgood, McIlvaine & Co., is a prodigious improvement. That a man who has made his mark in pencil should, on taking up his pen, disclose possession of the rare gift of style, strikes the literary person with more marvel even than is evoked by discovery of a new novelist who can construct a plot and delineate character. Mr. du Maurier has rich endowment of all these gifts, which shine on every page of Trilby. He has, moreover, given us a new thing quite apart from the run of English novels. Henri Murger was before him with a deathless book in which life in the Quartier Latin is powerfully and tenderly portrayed. Mr. du Maurier's chapters on student life in Paris need not fear comparison with La Vie de Bohème, which is praise of the kind Sir Hubert Stanley hoarded. Beyond that, growing out of it, is the boldly conceived, firmly-drawn, and charmingly coloured character of Trilby, with her curious entourage, her varied life, and her tragic end. Little Billee, in whom some will find revived lost memories of a dear friend, is a charming personality, whilst Taffy and the Laird are live men. With such wealth of material and such felicity of touch, Mr. du Maurier might well have foregone the temptation of allowing Little Billee to hold forth on theological subjects to his dog, at a length inevitable in the pulpit, but a little out of place as an interlude in a novel. This passage supplies a jarring note in an otherwise almost perfect symphony.
One turns with eagerness to the Life of Frances Power Cobbe, more especially when it bears the honoured imprimatur of Bentley. Miss Cobbe has lived long, enjoying full opportunity of seeing things and people. She ought to have written a good book. "Instead of which," as the judge once said, she presents a slovenly-written, ill-digested mass of miscellaneous matter, including whole chapters devoted to digests of her published works. Pleased with herself from most aspects, she particularly admires her literary style. There is a passage in the book where she plaintively apprehends that, lost in admiration of her style, readers may miss the true purpose and importance of her writing;—this in volumes that bristle with such monstrosities as "compared to," "disapproved of," and "from thence," the latter a favourite foible of Miss Cobbe's style. In the second volume there are some attempts at what was naturally looked for, to wit, reminiscences of people the present generation would like to meet. But the burly, complacent figure of the diarist intervenes just as they come into view. She tells us what she said to them, not, what we are burning to hear, what they said to her. On the whole, looked at through Miss Cobbe's spectacles, they were a poor lot. Of Renan she writes, "The impression he has left on me is one of disappointment and short-falling." Short-falling is "style" of the athletic order, and, my Baronite vaguely surmises, is the opposite of high jumping. As to poor Carlyle, Miss Cobbe "never shared the admiration felt for him by so many able men." George Borrow, who wrote The Bible in Spain, she "never liked, thinking him more or less a hypocrite." Professor Tyndal is more in favour, since, in reply to the gift of one of Miss Cobbe's instructive books, the Professor wrote an acknowledgment, the exquisite irony of which his correspondent evidently does not see. One other partial concession is made in a passage sublime in its fatuousness. Speaking of one of her books, of which the fortunate reader will find a full summary in the first volume, Miss Cobbe says, "It was very favourably reviewed, but some of my fellow Theists rather disapproved of the tribute I had paid to Christ." The volumes bear on the front the Cobbe coat of arms and motto. The family may, we are assured, be traced back through four centuries, and, even in the present degenerate days, is highly connected.
Whilst the great heart of the people is considering whether it shall throb against the House of Lords or whether it shall forbear, Mr. Swift MacNeill, Q.C., M.P., has delivered at that ancient institution what the Marchioness was accustomed to describe as "a wonner." Titled Corruption is the alluring style of the neatly-bound volume issued by Fisher Unwin. There is, my Baronite says, a touch of artistic genius in the contrast between the plain, unassuming calico binding of the book and the blood and thunder that rolls through its pages. It is "the sordid origin of some Irish peerages" that Mr. Swift MacNeill undertakes to set forth. Perhaps if he were solely responsible for the work, its startling statements might be dismissed as coloured by fervid fancy. He, however, supports himself with the dictum of Mr. Lecky, "the majority of Irish titles are historically connected with memories not of honour but of shame," and illustrates it by extracts from confidential letters of Lords Lieutenants of Ireland, recommending gentlemen for the peerage. Altogether an interesting withdrawal of the curtain dropped before passages in the history of Ireland on the eve of the Union.
BREAKING THE ICE.
He. "I've got to take you into Dinner, Miss Travers—and I'm rather afraid of you, you know! Mrs. Jolibois tells me you're very Clever!"
She (highly amused). "How absurd! I'm not a bit Clever!"
He (with sigh of relief). "Well, do you know, I thought you weren't!"
UNREST!
Scene—In front of Mrs. R.'s house.
Mrs. R. (paying Cabman). You look all right to-day. Cabman. Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver. Mrs. R. (correcting). A torpedo liver you mean.
[Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling.
["Instead of the many educational extras in our Board Schools, why should there not be some elementary class devoted to the development of humour?"—Mr. James Payn, in the "Illustrated London News."]
Friendly French Feeling and Fishing.—Oh, of course, nothing could be nicer. They are so fond of us English in France! Can't possibly do without us. The latest development of it, in a small way, being the seizure of a Ramsgate fishing-smack, called the Bonnie Bell, by a French fishing-boat, which hauled the B. B. into Gravelines. "Hard lines" this. Anyway it is a nasty fishing "smack" in the eye, given and taken. And where's the friendly feeling?
STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE.
The Sea-Lion ashore.
(For "Love in the Arbour.")
"Bombastes Furioso Minimus,"—i.e. Prince Henri d'Orléans.
["Canon Ainger condemns minor poetry as 'mere confectionary.'"—Globe, Oct. 4.]
That being so, why should not the matter be placed on a business-like footing? The following is a specimen prospectus:—
Caterers by (self) appointment to the Yellow-book, the Rhymers' Club, and Nobody Else in Particular.
Sweet-stuff Contractors for Mutual Admiration Parties, Muffin-worries, and other Beanos. Log-rolling in all its branches.
Highly-spiced productions at unpopular prices. Only unbowdlerised materials used. Particular attention is given to insure imperfect cleanliness in all details.
| TARIFF. | £ | s. | d. | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| ODES | (Royal Marriage, buttered), per line | 1 | 1 | 0 | |
| " | dry | per fytte | 0 | 0 | 2 |
| " | "To Spring" (given away in packet of 12). | ||||
| LAYS | (fresh) | 0 | 0 | 4 | |
| LAYS | (equal to new) | 0 | 0 | 3 | |
| " | (warranted) | 0 | 0 | 2 | |
| BALLADS | (ordinary, per line) | 0 | 0 | 1 | |
| " | (with proper envoi and correctly rhymed) | 0 | 0 | 11/2 | |
| SONNETS | (with wide margin, on hand-made paper, and quite unintelligible), each | 2 | 0 | 0 | |
| " | To the Sunset | 0 | 0 | 01/2 | |
| RONDEAUS | (extra sick), bottled, per dozen | 0 | 3 | 6 | |
| " | (full-flavoured), on draught, per gush | 0 | 0 | 4 | |
| RONDELS | (fancy, for albums), each | 0 | 0 | 4 | |
| TRIOLETS | (as used in lunatic asylums), per dozen | 0 | 0 | 1 | |
| VILLANELLES | (recommended for curates and converted burglars), each | 0 | 1 | 7 | |
| RECITATIONS | (G. R. SIMS' mixed) | 0 | 10 | 6 | |
| " | (Comic) | 0 | 0 | 01/4 | |
| " | (best blood-curdling), per gulp | 0 | 1 | 31/2 | |
Conveniently packed for delivery within the London radius.
Sestinas, Chants Royal, Virelais, and other French Sweetmeats to order.
The Management would recommend all lovers of high-class confectionary to test the quality of the under-mentioned specialities:—Walrot's Eloping Sally Lunns; Le Billygoat's Lovers' Liquorice; Dr. Goodboy's Medical Nightmares; John Silvergray's Blue Points (3d. a dozen); Arthur Sillywit's Symnels; Norty Gal's Richmond Maids, and Oscar's Masterpieces (each 2d.).
In any case of civility or attention on the part of their employés, the Directors earnestly request that the same be reported immediately to the Head Office, Poet's Corner, where the matter will be promptly dealt with.
THE GIFTED AMATEUR.
The German Emperor. "I will now sing you a little Thing of my own!"
["The German Emperor's song will be published this week in Germany, France, and England."]
(An Apologue with an Application.)
[A lady-bicyclist the other day, riding in "rational dress," was roundly hissed by an elderly Mrs. Grundy, standing by. The wheel-woman is said to have retorted, "Are you women who thus hiss me? When you bathe, you wear a special costume, which you deem suitable. When I ride, I do the same. Where's the difference?"]
"But," said the Proud Briton to the Perfect Stranger, "in addition to our armies and fleets, our religions and our laws, our parsons and our policemen, we have one Protective Power, moral palladium and social ægis in one, whose value outweighs that of all others."
The Perfect Stranger looked surprised.
"And what," said he, "is that?"
"We call it the 'Matron's Hiss,'" replied the Proud Briton, with enigmatical complacency. "Anything contra bonos mores, bad form, improper, new-fangled, unconventional, unhealthy, unwholesome, immodest, vulgar, vicious, venal, on to summarise still further, anything that is either new or naughty, or both, is immediately 'put down' by the 'Matron's Hiss.'"
Quoth the Perfect Stranger, "I should like to observe it in operation."
"You shall!" said the Proud Briton.
The Perfect Stranger, under the guidance of the Proud Briton went everywhere and saw everything.
He saw a sweet, though apparently semi-suffocated, young girl dressed (or, as he would by unaided judgment have concluded, undressed) for her first ball.
He saw an elderly fine lady, a high-nosed dame de par le monde, prepared—he would have said, painted and glazed—for a high, social "function."
He saw a fair ingénue, under the eyes of her vigilant mamma and chaperon, in one evening waltzing with, and trying to win, as more permanent partners, an elderly but opulent Satyr, and a youthful, brainless, but titled Cloten.
He heard conversation which the talkers themselves laughingly called risqué (and which he would grimly have called rude) at fashionable dinner-tables between smirking matrons and leering elderly men.
He witnessed the vagaries of despot Fashion, the (as he considered) "immodesty" of "full dress," the "impropriety" of flagrant "cosmeticism," the "unhealthiness" of inadequate or superfluous clothing, the "cruelty" of corsets, the "vulgarity" and wanton murderousness of bird-destroying feather trimmings.
These, and many more follies, improprieties and wickedness the Perfect Stranger was wondering witness of.
"But," observed the Perfect Stranger, "where is the 'Matron's Hiss'?"
"Oh!" replied the Proud Briton, with some embarrassment, "but in all this there is nothing new, you know, nothing unprecedented, innovating, subversive of accepted Social Laws; nothing 'bad form,' that is to say unusual, unexpected, unconsecrated by respectable usage. If there is anything Naughty, it is not New, and what is—possibly—New is not Naughty. Therefore, there is no call for that omnipotent Hiss!"
"Humph! What then would elicit it?" inquired the Perfect Stranger.
"That is a bit difficult to define, off-hand," answered the Proud Briton, hesitatingly. "Say, for example, a natural waist, or absence of corsets, high-dress at a Court function, marriage for love—which in Society or in the tennis-court is equivalent to nothing—wearing an unfashionable hat, or four-buttoned gloves when six are de règle, sounding your g's (when fashion dictates their being dropped), or not sounding your h's (till fashion tells you to drop them), blushing inopportunely—say, at the stare of a duke or the 'suggestiveness' of a millionaire—showing sympathy out of your own 'set,' objecting to tailor-made attire or accepted bathing-costume, discussing questions of sex in a spirit of serious sympathy instead of through some décadent Art-medium; being earnest, original, or spontaneous in any way, and thus defying Society's golden rule, 'Do always as others do.'"
"Is that the Masterful Matron's sole rule?" queried the Perfect Stranger.
"Substantially yes," replied the Proud Briton; "though it is supplemented, perhaps, by the corollary, 'Never be either the first or the last to do a new thing.'"
"Then," commented the Perfect Stranger, "the Matron's Hiss would be silent at the sight of bared shoulders and bust in mid-winter, but would sound with anserine shrillness at the sight of a lady's lower limbs comfortably, and conveniently, and healthily, and decently, but unconventionally, clad in summer on a cycle?"
"Precisely!" said the Proud Briton, though perhaps with less of British pride than usual.
"Then," said the Perfect Stranger, "I think your Hissing Matron is a silly, despotic, cackling old goose, who will never save the social Capitol! But who and what is that?"
That was a portly, florid, and high-nosed elderly dame, of pompous demeanour, and flamboyant raiment, elaborately and obviously cosmetiqued, and arrayed in a startlingly low-cut garment.
"That," said the Proud Briton, with an uneasy smile, "is Mrs. Grundy, the great Goose-Autocrat, the Palladium of Propriety, the Ægis of Social Morality, the very Masterful Matron of whom we have been talking."
"Then," demanded the Perfect Stranger, with staggering pertinence, "Why does she not Hiss at Herself?"
The Proud Briton was silent.
The Lord Mayor Elect.—The incoming Lord Mayor has already shown himself a "Man of Letters" as he communicated a letter of thanks for kind wishes to pretty well every leading journal. These, when collected, may be published as a new "Renals Miscellany."
Sir,—I should never dream of humiliating myself to the extent of promising to obey any man. Yet I am a married woman—married, too, in a Church of England. How did I manage it, perhaps you will inquire? In this way, which I recommend for the adoption of all women who would decline to be worse than slaves. Instead of repeating the words "love, cherish, and obey" after the officiating clergyman, I altered them to "love cherries and whey," of which I happen to be very fond; so that whenever my husband (who is a poor creature) reproaches me with breaking my vow of obedience made at the altar—he does not often do this, as he is seldom at home—I can, with a clear conscience, affirm that I never took any vow at all. This astonishes him so much that it makes him swear, and then go out to his club. A good riddance too!
Sir,—As a lawyer, I hold that the contract into which a woman enters at marriage to obey her husband, being one made "under duress," is entirely void. She is compelled to take the vow, otherwise she could not be married at all. But, in order to make her position still clearer, I should advise that, before repeating the words of the clergyman, she should say to him, "Am I to understand that unless I repeat this formula you will decline to marry me?" He may be a little surprised, but is sure to answer in the affirmative. Then she should reply, "Very well; then I repeat it under protest, and without prejudice," and the ceremony could thereafter go on as usual. There might also be inserted, after the announcement of the wedding in the papers, the words "No obedience," like "No cards," in which case no doubt whatever could be raised as to the wife's true legal position. I shall be happy to advise farther, if necessary, and meanwhile remain,
Sir,—What is this nonsense about women refusing to obey their husbands? The only way with wives is to be gentle with them, but at the same time perfectly firm. This is my plan, and it answers admirably. My wife the other day declined to surrender the morning paper to me, and told me she would like to be a "New Woman." "Very well," I answered; "then you won't object to my being a New Man too"; and I at once chained her securely to the strongest bed-post in the house, and forbade any food to be brought near her. After four hours of this discipline she came to such senses as Providence has blessed her with, and is now the very loving and obedient consort of
EARLY TACT.
Aunty Rose. "And how Old do you think I am, Tommy?"
Tommy. "Well—Sixty-three?"
Aunty Rose. "Oh, you Flatterer! Why, I'm past Eighty!"
Tommy. "Ah! I thought you were; but I thought you wouldn't like me to say so, you know."
Troubles in Madagascar.—Not by any means at an end. Most probably all "Hova" again.
(See "Punch," September 22.)
Mrs. R. doubled up her Times for convenience of handling, and came upon this sentence where the paper folded:
"Individuals grown in tubs in greenhouses, in cool climates, have been known to live over a hundred years."
She paused. "Good Heavens!" she exclaimed; "it's as remarkable as the history of the old hermits who used to live perched up on the tops of pillars! But if ever these very clean individuals did live in 'tubs' for over a hundred years, what possible good could they have been to anybody, or even to themselves!" Turning the paper over Mrs. R. found that the letter was headed "American Aloes."
REAL SYMPATHY.
'Arry (reading account of the War in the East). "Ow, I s'y, 'Arriet, they've bin an' took old Li 'Ung Chang's three-heyed Peacock's Feathers all off 'im!"
'Arriet (compassionately). "Pore old Feller!"
My dear Marjorie,—You are hard on poor Oriel Crampton when you say that philanthropy, brisk walks, a bad temper, and a taste for collecting postage-stamps, form the most hideous combination any human being could imagine. Of course, I admit he's a little dreary. All is now over between us. Things reached a climax one rainy afternoon when Baby Beaumont, in a mood of intense juvenility, offered "to teach Oriel to make barley-sugar." Forgeting his school-days, Oriel patronisingly said he was glad to learn from anyone. So Baby seized Oriel's arm, twisted it round in the classical manner, and then hit the twist. It was quite impossible to help laughing when Oriel, pale with fury, declared he could take a joke, supposed this was the New Humour, and left the room. "What can you expect," said Baby, "of the middle-aged?" (Oriel is not twenty-four yet.)
That evening I wrote a note, putting an end to our engagement.
I gave it to him in the billiard-room, and—he gave me one at the same time, and—to the same effect! I felt dreadfully hurt at his throwing me over. He wrote, "I feel I have no right to ask you, who are so fitted to shine in the society of the gay and decadent" (this meant Baby), "to share a life that will be wholly dedicated to the amelioration of the condition of the poorer classes," &c.
In the midst of our agitation, we were compelled to play "musical chairs" with the others, as if nothing had happened! What a mockery it seemed!
We parted amicably. He asked if I should like to hear, from time to time, of the progress of his life-work, and I promised to be his sister.... When he went away, a strange sense of loss came over me.... One page in my life had been turned for ever!... Baby tried to console me by observing that now there would be a chance of getting plenty of hot water for baths. Oriel used to drink it all.
At the tennis-party Mrs. Lorne Hopper seemed utterly bored by Captain Mashington. She said my dress wanted "taking up on the shoulders," and that the sleeves were exaggerated. (Exaggerated! I should hope they were!) Mr. Lorne Hopper seemed nice, and very quiet, and harmless at first, but it gradually came out that he does sketches at the piano in the style of Corney Grain, and what is worse, expects to be asked to do them.
Lady Taymer implored us all to laugh, and we did our best to please our hostess; but the room was nearly empty in five minutes.
At dinner, Baby talked of the bad taste and imbecility of practical jokes. In the evening, he wrote to seventeen periodicals denying he had written The Mauve Camellia, and asking to have it contradicted. We waltzed. Captain Mashington dances better than ever, and has nice eyes. That night I found hair-brushes in my bed, I see nothing funny in it, and shall not speak to Baby Beaumont until he apologises.
Great excitement prevailed here last week. It was discovered that Samovarski, the great Russian pianist, was in the neighbourhood. He accepted an invitation to come here for two days. Imagine the joy of the Lyon Taymers! They sent out invitations with "To meet M. Samovarski," printed on the cards. He is known to be rather erratic, but as he was actually to stay in the house it seemed quite safe. Thirty-six people came to a dinner in his honour.
Samovarski arrived at seven, asked for some lager beer, and went straight to bed. Nothing on earth would induce him to get up, or even to unlock his door or answer an inquiry. It was a terrible evening. The Taymers hoped on for the next day. The great composer got up at two. Many people had stayed on the chance of hearing him play. It was a beautiful day, and Lady Taymer entreated to be allowed to drive him round the neighbourhood. He declined, and spent the whole afternoon playing piquet with his secretary. At dinner, he talked absurdities about the Chinese war, refusing even to mention music—which it seems he detests—and then, very courteously, begged to be excused, as he had to correct the proofs of his article "Impressions of English Country Life" for some Moscow journal.... Do not mention the subject to the Taymers when you see them. We are going to have private theatricals!! I will write again soon.
Transcriber's Note:
Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
107, October 13, 1894, by Various
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCTOBER 13, 1894 ***
***** This file should be named 46360-h.htm or 46360-h.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
http://www.gutenberg.org/4/6/3/6/46360/
Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Wayne Hammond and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
www.gutenberg.org/license.
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809
North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email
contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
gbnewby@pglaf.org
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.