*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 67144 ***
[Illustration:
THE HOLE BOOK
_By_ PETER NEWELL
HARPER & BROTHERS
NEW YORK
]
Copyright, 1908, by HARPER & BROTHERS.
_All rights reserved._
Published October, 1908.
THE HOLE BOOK
Tom Potts was fooling with a gun
(Such follies should not be),
When--bang! the pesky thing went off
Most unexpectedly!
Tom didn’t know ’twas loaded, and
It scared him ’most to death--
He tumbled flat upon the floor
And fairly gasped for breath.
The bullet smashed a fine French clock
(The clock had just struck three),
Then made a hole clean through the wall,
As you can plainly see.
[Illustration]
Out in the kitchen Bridget Quinn
Was busying about,
When through the boiler crashed the shot
And let the water out!
The floor was flooded like a pond,
The room was filled with steam,
And Bridget gathered up her skirts
And rushed out with a scream.
[Illustration]
Out in the back yard Sister Sue,
With “Sis†and Mabel Dunn,
Was swinging underneath the trees,
And having lots of fun,--
When zip! the speeding bullet sang,
And cut the rope in two,
Then hurtled through the high board fence,
And to the ground came Sue!
[Illustration]
Just then an automobile passed,
Its body painted green--
The bullet struck its side and pierced
The tank of gasolene.
A loud explosion followed and
A tremor shook the air!
The passengers were tossed aloft
Amidst the smoke and glare!
[Illustration]
An artist in a studio,
Who had a medal won,
Was painting on “A Laughing Boy,â€
Which work was all but done:
The ball of lead this picture smote,
As through the room it ranged,
And through the canvas bored its way,
And the expression changed!
[Illustration]
Old Granny Fink was sound asleep--
As sound as one could wish;
Beside her an aquarium
Was standing, stocked with fish:
The bullet struck the crystal globe,
And roused her from her nap--
And Granny found that she was drenched,
With goldfish in her lap!
[Illustration]
A lady came into a store
Where animals were sold,
To buy a parrot with a tongue
That wouldn’t swear or scold;
But as she talked about the bird
And asked about the price,
The bullet plunged clean through a box
And freed a lot of mice!
[Illustration]
Old Hagenschmit, behind his house,
His new Dutch pipe was trying,
When--bing! the bullet smashed the bowl
And sent the pieces flying!
“Who put dot bombshell in my pipe?â€
Exclaimed the startled smoker.
“If I could git my hands on him,
Dere would be vone less joker!â€
[Illustration]
A pear-tree, seen above the wall,
With fruit was laden down,
And Ned, below, appeared to be
The saddest boy in town;
Just then the restless bullet passed,
And clipped a branching limb
Which bore a dozen pears or more
And passed it down to him!
[Illustration]
G. Foozleman, in high silk hat,
Along the street was trailing,
When through the crown the bullet sped
And sent his hat a-sailing!
“What do you mean, sir,†blurted he,
To Harvey Jones, behind him,
“By knocking off my high silk hat?â€
But Harvey didn’t mind him.
[Illustration]
Dick Bumble, with a bag of grain,
Was going out to grind it,
When through the bag the bullet tore
And left a hole behind it!
Dick neither knew the bag was pinked,
Nor that a hole was in it,
And wondered why the load he bore
Grew lighter every minute.
[Illustration]
Tim Nickleby had hooked a fish,
And was about to land it,
When--snap! his fish-pole broke in two--
He couldn’t understand it.
Of course the bullet did the trick;--
It would have been more thrilling
If it had punctured Timothy,
Who was in need of drilling.
[Illustration]
A restless wild-cat had escaped,
And roamed the gardens free;
The keeper, frightened at the sight,
Had climbed a lofty tree:
The savage brute espied him there,
And with an agile bound,
It met the bullet in the air,
And tumbled to the ground!
[Illustration]
A watermelon, large and fine,
Was in the kitchen shed;
The bullet drilled a hole through it
As on its way it sped.
“Who plugged dat melon?†mammy cried,
As through the door she came.
“I’d spank de chile dat done dat trick,
Ef I could learn his name.â€
[Illustration]
A vender of balloons, a chap
In Russia born and bred,
Came ambling through the dusty street,
His wares above his head.
“Balloons! Balloons! Who vants to buy?â€
He shrilly cried. “I say--â€
Just then his enterprise collapsed--
The shot had come that way.
[Illustration]
A German band was on parade,
And all the district knew it,
When--boom! the bass-drum sounded out--
The shot had gone clean through it!
The leader turned about in ire,
And pointing at the drummer,
Exclaimed: “You sthart too soon, my friendt--
You make a better plumber!â€
[Illustration]
Mis’ Silverman had built a fire
And shovelled on some coal,
When through the stove-pipe crashed the shot
And made a gaping hole!
The smoke in murky columns rose,
The lady raised a shout;
Then on the scene the firemen came,
And put the lady out!
[Illustration]
A cat espied a tiny mouse,
And crouched to make a spring;
The mousey couldn’t find a place
In which to hide--poor thing!
Just then the bullet made a hole--
A fair-sized hole at that--
And in it dashed the frightened mouse,
And thus escaped the cat.
[Illustration]
A thief was stealing in the door--
A clever chap was he;
For he had waited till the gong
Had summoned all to tea.
But at that moment came the shot,
And smote the door-bell clear--
The butler reached the door in time
To see him disappear!
[Illustration]
Old Sandy, on his Highland pipes,
Was drooning “Robin Hood,â€
And coaxing from the boys and girls
Such pennies as he could,
When suddenly the bag went “squash!â€
The drone became a sigh--
The fleeting shot had pierced the bag
Of wind in passing by!
[Illustration]
For some excitement, good and hot,
These lads were fairly spoiling,
When through the bee-hive plunked the shot,
And set the pot a-boiling!
The startled swarm came streaming out
In temper hot and baneful,
And drove the foe in awful rout,
With volleys sharp and painful!
[Illustration]
When Felix Fenno flew his kite,
He found his hands were full;
It seemed determined to escape,
So strongly did it pull.
But presently the whizzing shot
The kite-string neatly parted,
And, like an air-ship on a cruise,
His precious kite departed!
[Illustration]
The grocer boy was teasing Snip
By pelting him with rice,
And keeping just beyond his reach--
Which wasn’t very nice.
Just then the bullet clipped the chain
That held the pup, and--joy!
He fairly sprinted through the air,
And nabbed that grocer boy!
[Illustration]
Mis’ Newlywed had made a cake,
With icings good and stout--
The bullet struck its armor belt,
And meekly flattened out.
And this was lucky for Tom Potts,
The boy who fired the shot--
It might have gone clean round the world
And killed him on the spot.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 67144 ***